What is the Opposite of Love - Hatred or Indifference?

Love has a myriad faces, belongs to no one yet touches everyone. We experience love as the rush of wondrous emotions that makes us see all through pink eyeglasses. 

It is the joy of creation when a new life is born. It is the pride of achievement in another's success. Love also becomes life-shattering pain when we love but are not loved in return. 

If love can have so many faces, does love have an opposite?

What is the opposite of love? Is it?

• Hatred
• Anger
• Derision
• Fear
• Indifference 

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Most people when asked; “What is the opposite of love?” will answer hate. The traditional argument given is that love is a positive emotion, while hatred is a negative emotion. They are, however, seen as two sides of the coin. Both evoke strong feelings. Hatred is often love gone wrong. Rather too often people disappointed in love (often due to wrong or excessive expectations) or being unable to deal with unrequited love end up in hatred. 

I hate marmite. Marmite has never done anything bad to me, but I have never liked it and it is not unrequited love. I also hate Amaretto di Saronno liquor, because I have ghastly memories attached to it, which have nothing to do with the taste of the liquor itself.

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Anger is more problematic as an opposite. We can be angry with a person we love, but still love. Parents can often be very angry with their children for something they have done or failed to do yet the love is as strong as before so anger can’t be the opposite of love.

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Derision, where one derides or ridicules, mocks another person, is common. But is derision, really an opposite of love? Can they co-exist? Yes, human relationships are extremely complicated. Sometimes we can observe people who love each other, rather offhandedly ridiculing the other. Other people can be speechless at the insults or jibes some people who have been married long hurl at each other. What used to be wild and passionate earth-shattering sex 30 years ago becomes a constant bickering and razor sharp jibes. An aunt of mine used to lacerate her husband, often in front of others, but if someone else said one word against him, she would defend him valiantly by saying, “Who gave you the right to criticize him, only I can do that!”

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Fear – Fear is a universal emotion. Can we fear and love at the same time? Yes. Sometimes we see people saying something like “Don’t tell him how expensive the curtains were” or “Don’t tell her that we ordered take-away and beer!” though there seems to be no shortage of love. People often love their despotic rulers though they fear them. So, fear and love are not opposites, well not in an ordinary sense.
But if we go beyond the ordinary way of reckoning things and understanding reality fears and tears define reality for most of us. Fear is an emotion that separates us from each other. Fear is the cloud of unknowing that separates the human spirit from finding its way home. Love, on the other hand is the beacon in the night that leads us to where we belong. 

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Indifference – Indifference can be seen as an absence of emotions. It is coldness as a manifestation of negativity. The term whatever, commonly used by many young people, is often cited as a symbol of indifference. 

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death.” Elie Wiesel (Jewish-American political activist and Nobel Prize winner) US News & World Report (27 October 1986). Here, the main argument is that, as intense emotions, love and hate are two sides of the same coin while indifference is a deficiency.

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Is There A Typical Hate Personality Type?

We know what lovers are like from literature and poetry, e.g. Rome and Juliet from Shakespeare. 

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But what kind of a person is a typical hater?

It’s hard to be aggressive without strong feelings of hatred. High neuroticism in men (Barnes et al., 1991), while high neuroticism and high extraversion in women (Buss, 1991) may cause them to use psychological aggression in relationships.

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Is there a bell curve of hate? Linking hate to emotional development or rather its problems, in the context of genocide and similar violence, Steven Baum (2007) found that 15-20% were ‘perpetrators’, 60-70% were ‘bystanders’ or ordinary people, while 15-20% ‘altruistic rescuers’ or ‘helpers’.

But how could we predict what ‘kind’ of people belong to which group?

All attempts at producing markers from physical characteristics, education, gender, sexual preference, social status or previous life history tend to fall short as reliable predictors. Clinical tests of psychological evaluation are also not reliable always. 

It wasn’t that long ago when emotional maturation in psychology was seen to have been achieved through vaginal orgasm in a heterosexual intercourse alone, and nothing else was ‘mature’ enough.

Chemical Changes in People Who Fall in Love

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Love and being in love are different. But if we contrast people of both sexes being in love with the ‘opposite’, i.e., not being in love, we can detect behavioural changes as well as hormonal ones too. Levels of some hormones change radically when we fall in love and these changes last, on average, from 18 months to 3 years.

Cortisol levels of people in love are significantly higher meaning they are under huge stress. Testosterone levels are lower in men in love and higher in women. All difference in hormone levels disappear in 12-24 months (Marazziti et al, 2004).

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Hungry For Love - Can’t Tolerate The Absence of Being In Love

People in many cultures have tried to control how individuals are attracted to each others. Fearing social decay, racial impurity, cultural degeneration, unsuitability of the other person or whatever reasons they come up with; they have tried to keep lovers separate. Sometimes the love or attraction surmounts all such attempts but sometimes it destroys them.

The majority of world cultures view marital and conjugal infidelity negatively and actively discourage it through a mixture of shame, guilt and punishment, which may range from mild disapproval to death by stoning e.g., in Saudi Arabia and Somalia.

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Infidelity, however, is rampant. Durex, the condom makers, claim that 22% of global respondents have had extra-marital sex. A whopping 70% of Norwegians in this study admit to having had one-night stands.

60% to 75% of American college students report extradyadic (i.e., with a person outside the romantic relationship dyad) involvement in USA, though infidelity causes self-doubt, anger and depression in the ‘betrayed’ partner (Barta & Klein, 2005).

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Is conjugal infidelity a cause or result of martial dissolution? Research (17-year longitudinal study of 1475 people by Previti & Amato, 2004) claims that sexual fidelity is central in maintaining marital satisfaction and stability.

If hormonal level changes due to falling in love balance out in 12-24 months, does it mean that the risk of infidelity will rise logarithmically? Situational factors fostering infidelity are extremely complicated to understand but it has been shown that self-regulation or self-control is a prime factor. Lack of or depleted self-regulation may increase the likelihood of infidelity (Ciarocco et al., 2012).

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Whether we talk of love, hatred or indifference as qualities and personality traits, it is good to remember that we do not love personality traits, but persons. These traits just make them more or less loveable.

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References:

• Barnes GE, Greenwood L, Sommer R. 1991. Courtship violence within a Canadian sample of male college students. Family Relations 40:34–48.
• Baum, Steven K. (2004): A bell curve of hate?, Journal of Genocide Research, 6:4, 567-577
• Buss DM. 1991. Conflict in married couples: Personality predictors of anger and upset. Journal of Personality 59:663–688.
• Marazzitti, Donatella; Canale, Domenico. Hormonal changes when falling in love. Psychoneuroendocrinology (2004) 29, 931-936.
• Previti, Denise; Amato Paul R. Is Infidelity a Cause or a Consequence of Poor Marital Quality? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 2004 21: 217

Humour in The Ancient World

The urge to laugh is a primal urge, present from the dawn of human history. Even apes appreciate humour.

In the early 20th century, anthropologists Schulze and Chewings, got caught in a terrifying thunderstorm they thought would scare the Australian aboriginals, who had been genetically and culturally isolated from the rest of the world for at least 35,000 years. Rather than being afraid they burst out laughing at an unusually loud or peculiar clap of thunder.

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One of the Oldest Jokes in the World

Comes from Sumer in Modern Iraq. 

"Something, which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

Ancient Egyptian Humour



Physician jokes can be found already in ancient Egypt.
The ancient Egyptians were very new media savvy with catchy symbols and their jokes are often cartoons. Political satire, scatological humor, sex jokes, slapstick, and animal-based parodies; we should say – laugh like an Egyptian!


Erotic Turin Papyrus from the Ramesside period (1292-1075 B.C.E.)


In The Tale of the Shipwrecked Sailor the sailor tells his story: Then he (i.e. the snake god of the island) laughed at me for the things I had said, which seemed foolish to him.

Ankhsheshonq in the 4th century BCE quotes a much older saying “Before the god the strong and the weak are a joke.” (Lichtheim 2006)

Ancient Greek Humour

The "Philogelos" or "Laughter-Lover" (manuscript dating to the 10th century but with older jokes probably from 250 CE) is an anthology of 265 jokes.

• "Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said "I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died." 
• “An intellectual who had had an operation on his uvula (vital for speech) was ordered by his doctor not to talk for a while. Then he said to each caller, ‘Please don’t be offended that my slave greeted you instead of me; I’m under doctor’s orders not to talk’”. 

• “An intellectual was on a sea voyage when a big storm blew up, causing his slaves to weep in terror. ‘Don’t cry,’ he consoled them, ‘I have freed you all in my will’” .

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There is also great wisdom in ancient Greece about the therapeutic value of humour. Hippocrates (460-370 BC) advices physicians to bring laughter to the patient rather than dour faces. This is something many modern physicians seem to have forgotten.


Ancient Roman Humour

Romans were rather funny and definitely not serious and pompous statues as later history would have them. The ruins of places like Pompei are full of rather naughty graffiti and lewd jokes. Here're two sarcastic and macho ones from ancient Rome.

A misogynist is taking care of his departed wife's burial. Someone asks him "Who is it that rests in peace here?" The man answers: "Me, now that I'm rid of her!"

A man tell another man: "I had your wife, without paying a penny". The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?"

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Humour in The Hebrew Bible

Hershey Friedman, Professor at Brooklyn College of the City University of New York has written about how humour brings man closer to God in the Bible.

First, there is the idea that God has a sense of humour.

• In Psalms (2:4), "He who sits in heaven will laugh, the Lord will mock them."
• In Psalms (37:13): "My Lord laughs at him for He sees that his day is coming."
• In Psalms (59:9): "But as for You, God, You laugh at them; You mock all nations."

Then there is sarcasm: (Exodus 14:11): "Was there a lack of graves in Egypt, that you took us away to die in the wilderness?"

There is much humorous imagery:

• "As a gold ring in a swine’s snout, so is a beautiful woman from whom sense has departed" (Proverbs 11:22).
• "It is better to live in a desert than with a contentious and angry woman" (Proverbs 21:19).

The First Christian Joke Books

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Monks continued the tradition of using humour and riddles as a teaching tool in the Ioca Monachorum, a text that dates to 700 A.D.

• Who was not born but died? (Adam).
• What man can kill another man without being punished? (A doctor).

Japanese Jokes

Heiyo Nagashima, Japan Society for Laughter and Humor Studies, writes how the Japanese kobanashi or joke books started having Chinese jokes in the 18th century and American jokes in the 19th century. He claims that the Japanese do not tell each other Japanese jokes but foreign jokes.

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Chinese Jokes

Ancient China was full of delightful humour with life insights, which have not dated over the centuries. We have delightful jokes from the Ming dynasty (1368-1644).

On his birthday, an official's subordinates chipped in to give him a life-sized solid gold rat, since he was born in the year of the rat (each year of a twelve year cycle has a different animal). The official thanked them and then asked, "Did you know that my wife's birthday is coming up? She was born in the year of the ox."

A heavily laden woodcutter stumbled into the local doctor on a narrow path. When the doctor drew back his fist to hit him, the woodcutter dropped to his knees and begged, “Please kick me instead.” 
A bystander asked, “Why would you rather him kick you?” 
The terrified woodcutter replied, “Treatment by his hands would be much deadlier than with his feet!”

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Indian Humour

Ancient India abounds with wit and humour. Even the world’s greatest epic, The Mahabharata says of itself

“What is found herein may also be found in other sources, What is not found herein does not matter.”

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Ancient India has an extensive tradition of moral tales.

A greengrocer and a potter jointly hired a camel and each filled one side of the pannier with his goods. The camel as he went along the road took a mouthful every now and then, as he had a chance, from the greengrocer's bag of vegetables. This provoked a laugh from the potter, who thought he had the best of the bargain. But the time came for the camel to sit, and he naturally sat on the heavier side, bearing down on the pots, and also to have his mouth free to eat from the bag of greens. The pots in the bag all broke, and then the greengrocer had the last laugh.

Historical figures like Birbal, the minister of Emperor Akbar and Tenali Rama, the jester in the court of Krishnadevaraya (1509 AD - 1530 AD), ruler of the medieval Vijaynagar empire in southern India are sources of great wit.

 

Once when Tenali Rama was sentenced to death for some trick or the other, he was given the right to choose the form of his execution. After giving due consideration to the matter, he says "Your Majesty! I would like to die of old age!" The emperor couldn’t bear being without his wit and promptly pardoned him.

Source:

• Miriam Lichtheim (1914-2004). Ancient Egyptian Literature. Volume II: The New Kingdom. The Regents of the University of California, 1976, 2006. Berkeley, CA: University of California Press.
• Greek Humour from Source: Philip Harland

How to Deal With A Message from God?

Can an e-mail stop you in your tracks? 

Last week I got a very exciting e-mail. 

Dear Friends,

Due to the current financial crisis facing the world at the moment, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off to save on electricity costs, until further notice.

Sincerely,

God

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How does one react? The first reaction is to be amused by the ingenuity of it. Lovely humour, very witty! 

Much of everyday humour is at someone else’s expense. We make fun of other people’s characteristics, mishaps, or doings. But, this message is laughing at a situation without insulting anyone. 

I have been fortunate to know some people who have this crispy and delectable kind of humour. You can experience this also in the Dalai Lama, who puts people at ease quickly by bringing out the funny side of things.

My hilarity was very short-lived when I decided to share this e-mail. Humour is not a universal quality shared and appreciated by all. As the American doctor and author, David Seabury said, “Good humour isn't a trait of character, it is an art which requires practice.”

Now, I don’t know of anyone getting divine communication by e-mail, so I forwarded this to some religious people of different faiths I know, and tried to anticipate their reactions. Catholic, Protestant, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Sikh, Buddhist, New Age, Mormon –a colourful bunch of people were forwarded the “divine” e-mail.

One person, who had lived years under a repressive regime, chuckled with delight as he explained that humour is a coping mechanism when things are really bad for people and they can’t do anything about the situation. 

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The English philosopher, statesman Francis Bacon 1561-1626 got it right 

“Imagination was given man to compensate for what he is not, and a sense of humour to console him for what he is.” 

This chuckling gentleman also said that after moving to a rich welfare state, where many of the things he could dream of before, are provided for, he has become dour and sullen and is often depressed. He tried to find jokes about depression, but noticed that this wasn’t much appreciated. 

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Blasphemy, they yelled when they saw the e-mail from God 

20% of the people got very angry yelling “Blasphemy,” and gave me a piece of their mind for sending such a thing to insult their faith. Out came different religious versions of the third commandment 

“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain” Exodus 20:7.

Now, this is rather serious and heavy stuff and I started visualizing flames licking my feet as I was tied to the burning stake. 

Fortunately, I had the words of an American preacher Henry Ward Beecher,  

“A person without a sense of humour is like a wagon without springs-jolted by every pebble in the road.” to console me. 

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Many other people who got the e-mail from God wouldn’t comment anything. They just refused to “be drawn in” as they try to live according to the dictates of political correctness. 

Humour seems to be a sworn enemy of PC or political correctness.

Messages of Hope Abound

The best thing I experienced was with three unlikely non-professionals. By non-professionals, I mean that they did not have jobs as priests or preachers or positions to defend, only their personal faith, life experience, and vast learning to guide them. 

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With them, I had very invigorating discussions about the current financial crisis, how one nourishes hope, especially in situations when divine e-mails or other signals don’t appear. 

Divine messages abound in our everyday lives, e-mail or not; we just choose not to notice these signals of hope, they taught me.